My Father passed away a few years ago and I had no idea how I was supposed to feel. In fact my Mother insisted that I attend the funeral but I spent the entire time checking my watch and wondering how long it was going to last. I know that this may sound strange to most people but since I grew up without having him in my life I suppose my feelings or the lack thereof were understandable. My parents divorced when I was an infant so although I knew who he was and would see him occasionally when he came to visit we never really had a relationship.
As a kid he would come around every once in a while and make a lot of promises that he never kept and at one point when he remarried he moved right around the corner from where I lived with my mother. He lived there with his new wife and the two children that he fathered with her but he still made no attempt to be active in my life. Once I became an adult he and I were cordial with each other but to me he was just Marion, not Dad.
Growing up I never really thought about the fact that he was not in my life and really never gave it any thought but now as an adult I sometimes wonder if not having an active father in my life did affect me. When I stared to date I was attracted to guys that were older than I was and my husband was actually nine years older than I was. Maybe I did secretly have a “Father complex”.
I don’t recall having any abandonment issues though and I never felt any resentment towards him, I just didn’t have any feelings at all. Fatherless daughters and fatherless children as a whole has unfortunately become an epidemic in the black community and while it was not true in my case I do believe it shapes the kind of men that some of our black girls get involved with and some of the treatment that they are willing to endure.
I have always been a very strong person and even growing up I learned at an early age that he only person that I could depend on to love me was me. If I had to say that I had any issue with not having a father in my life it was not the fact that I didn’t have a father in my life it was that I didn’t have love in my life from either parent.
My Mother was a good Mom in that she took care of me when I was sick and she took care of my essential needs but did I feel that she loved me NO. I didn’t feel loved as a child and to be honest I felt like more of a burden. If my parents had remained married I don’t know if things would have been different or not and I chose a long time ago not to waste time or energy on situations that were beyond my control.
I think all in all that I turned out pretty great without a father so I say to all of the other “Fatherless daughters” out there no matter what the circumstance that caused your father to not be active your life know that it is not your fault that this man chose not to be in your life. In fact you are great and it is his loss not spending time with the wonderful person that you are.
